Some of who we become first exists in the people we love.
There are parts of you that probably do not belong entirely to you.
That sounds strange because we like to think of identity as something we build ourselves. We think of our habits and interests as personal choices. The way we speak, the things we notice and how we treat people all become part of what we call “our personality,” as though we arrived at them independently.
I don’t think that is true…
Recently, a few people have made comments about how I handle certain things differently now, and some of them have caught me off guard. A few years ago, I would never have thought of myself that way. It made me realise that I may have changed in ways I did not notice while they were happening.
When I started to think about it, I could trace most of those changes back to people.
We tend to recognize influence when someone is actively trying to influence us. They give us advice, recommend something or point out a mistake we keep making, but the influence of friendship is harder to trace.
Most of it happens during ordinary time together. You become familiar with how someone approaches life. You see how they treat people and what they consider worth doing. Months later, you catch yourself doing something similar, and it now feels so natural that you almost forget you experienced it somewhere first
A few years ago, I met Joanne while traveling in Zanzibar. It was completely random. I had noticed her returning from the pool earlier that day, and when I saw her again that evening, I walked over to say hello.
We ended up talking for most of the evening and at some point I mentioned that the next day was my birthday.
Joanne had known me for less than two days, yet she made sure I had a cake on my birthday.
Who does that???
I later found out that she often did the same for her friends. She cared so much about making sure the people close to her had a cake to celebrate with on their birthdays.
Recently, a friend had a birthday, and I got them a cake too. I did not think much about it at the time. It just felt like the obvious thing to do.
It was only afterwards that I realised I had picked that up from Joanne.
This was something I once found unusually thoughtful but it had become part of what friendship looked like to me. By the time I did it for someone else, it felt so obvious.
People make new behaviours feel available.
The people close to us slowly change what feels normal and over time, that starts to show up in the way we live too.
I met Annie on the same trip as Joanne. Annie is such a good vibe to be around, and one of the things I admire most about her is how firmly she lives in the present.
There is very little unnecessary rumination.
“Are we doing this?”
“Yes or no?”
“Yes? Book it.”
“What needs to be done?”
“This?”
“Okay, let’s get it done.”
I can spend far longer thinking about things. Sometimes the extra thought is useful. Other times, I am stretching a straightforward decision into a much bigger event than it needs to be.
Watching Annie handle decisions that way made me realise how often I was making simple things heavier than they needed to be.
I still overthink some things but I am now more likely to catch myself when the thinking has stopped helping. Sometimes I push myself to begin sooner because I have seen how much lighter life can feel when every small decision is not dragged out.
Once you have experienced someone living that way up close, another way of approaching things becomes easier to imagine.
The same thing can happen inside interests you already have.
I was already interested in photography before I met Martha, but I was blown away by the kind of pictures she could create. She could find a frame in an ordinary setting that I would never have noticed.
Knowing her made me pay closer attention to the details. I now notice the lines and angles in a photo, and how all its different parts work together. These were things I wasn’t paying enough attention to before. Sometimes I find myself trying to take the kind of pictures Martha would take.
Then there is Erik, who sends me some of the most unhinged pictures and updates imaginable.
I once messaged him after we had not spoken for a while. He then told me that he just returned from hiking an active volcano.
I was already thinking, “Dude, hike whattt??”
Then he casually explained that someone’s boots actually got burnt during the hike and that another person had almost fallen into the lava before a guide saved them.
He spoke about it as if he had just returned from the supermarket.
Whenever I start thinking I might be living too much, I remember Erik and realize that I am not adventure-maxxing enough.
I have no plans to put my shoes near lava though, but knowing him has changed my idea of what an adventurous life can look like.
Our friends give us new reference points.
They show us ways of living that we may never have considered on our own. This is why the idea of environment is bigger than where you live.
When people talk about changing their environment, they usually picture moving to a different city or getting another job. Those things matter but people are the most important part of our environment.
They shape what we encounter regularly.
If the people around you act on ideas, starting something feels less intimidating. If they celebrate one another, affection becomes easier to express. If they speak about every opportunity with fear then fear can start to feel like the sensible response.
But this does not mean friendship should be treated as a self-improvement or performative project.
Friends are not useful only when they make us more disciplined or ambitious. Some friendships give us permission to be unserious, help us learn to take ourselves less seriously and allow us to be more cheerful. Some remind us that an evening spent laughing can be enough.
My whole point is awareness.
We are affected by the people we care about because we pay attention to them. Their interests make us curious, and their choices give us new evidence about what is possible. Their habits can become familiar enough to find their way into our own lives.
That makes it worth paying closer attention to the things we admire in people, especially the actions behind them.
It is easy to say, “She is thoughtful.”
What does that thoughtfulness look like in real life? Maybe she remembers the small things people tell her and follows up later.
It is easy to say, “He is adventurous.”
What makes that possible? Maybe he accepts that uncertainty is part of the experience and trusts himself to deal with whatever happens.
The things we admire become easier to understand when we notice the actions behind them. What looks like a natural part of someone’s personality is often a collection of small decisions repeated over time.
And the inverse is also true.
While parts of the people around us are finding their way into our lives, parts of us are finding their way into theirs.
So it is worth asking:
What are you making normal for the people around you?
A friend may take more pictures because being around you taught them to notice moments worth keeping.
Someone may approach a difficult decision with more confidence because they once watched you make a similar choice.
Another person may find it easier to speak honestly because you listened without making them regret it.
We rarely know which parts of us other people will carry forward and that should not make friendship feel like a performance, but it should make us more aware of what we are already sharing through the way we live.
Friendship gives us access to lives we could never have imagined entirely on our own. Through other people, we discover new ways to care, see and move through the world.
And a way of living does not have to end with the person who first showed it to us. It can pass through a friendship and become part of another life.
That is why your future lives in other people’s lives. Some of who you become first exists in the people you love!